R  A  L  P H
  The Review of Arts, Literature, Philosophy and the Humanities

Number 130

Late Late Spring 2005

We recently read through many
of our earliest issues (1994 - 1999)
to find what we believe to be the best
articles, reviews, poems and readings
from the salad days of RALPH.

Happy Baby
"We find him searching the ads
for a lady who will tie him up, choke him, and ---
in one case, while watching a movie with her ---
shove a hockey puck in his mouth
and tape it closed.
A hockey puck!"

Hard Line
"Their skin had been burned
to a furious, stop-sign red by the sun.
The extreme loss of body moisture
had peeled back their lips, giving them
a sickly grin, and left darkened pits
where they eyes should have been."

The Man-Eaters of Tsavo
"He had developed an extraordinary
taste for the members of the railway staff.
He was a most daring brute,
quite indifferent as to whether
he carried off the station master,
the signalman, or the pointsman."

The Laws of Invisible Things
"If you want to know why you must
take your blood-pressure medication every day,
read page 177 about how they beat up
on the cardiac patients in the emergency room
to try to keep them alive."

Great Reviews of the Past
The Scanning Electron Microscope
"Scientists can put those dull-bulb
astronauts on the moon, get a
$4,000,000,000 trash-bucket out there
next to Antares, but they have yet
to invent a whine-free mosquito ...
one with mufflers and noise-controllers.
I don't care if it wants
to sup on my blood,
I just don't want it singing
love-songs in my ear
at 2 A.M."

Moe Praege and Alexander Kluge
Vítezslav Nezval and Jindrich Styrsky
"The Street Law Handbook"
Mary McGarry Morris'
The Lost Mother

The Last of Lady Dyer
Nasdijj Fan Letter

The Gumbo-Limbo Tree
RALPH to Receive $1,500,000.00

My Winter Vacation
Part I

"I rented a tiny little car
from the local Bargain Rent-A-Wreck.
I think it was called a Ford Amoeba,
assembled by a Ford subsidiary in Paraguay,
and it ran noisily but reliably, at least
after the garage had replaced all the parts which
the previous renter had stolen."

Part II
"I haven't actually seen
Mr. and Mrs. Jurkiewicz,
but I picture them as an elderly couple
with courtly old-world manners and
impenetrable Slavic accents, floating
through the walls and perhaps materializing briefly
on Christmas, Shrove Tuesday, St. Andrzej's Day,
and Paderewski's birthday."

Finding a Lion in Your Bedroom
"At this moment
Huebner was suddenly awakened by a loud cry,
and on looking down from his berth
was horrified to see an enormous lion
standing with his hind feet on Parenti's body,
while his forepaws rested on poor Ryall.
Small wonder that he was panic-stricken
at the sight."

Great Readings of the Past
Surviving Birkenau
"There was a separate detachment in the camp
for segregating and transporting these Jewish treasures.
It was officially called the Aufräumungskommando
(cleaning-up detachment),
but its members gave it
the slang expression "Canada" ---
symbol of abundance and plenty ---
a name that was quickly accepted among
the Häftlinge and in the official
terminology of the administration."

The Whole Sky
"No, I'll not take the half of anything!
Give me the whole sky! The far-flung earth!
Seas and rivers and mountain avalanches ---
All these are mine! I'll accept no less!"

I Fly Through Voices
"I like
to defy an enemy to his face,
and bear a woman across a stream.
I bite into books, and carry firewood,
seek something vague,
and in the August heat I love to crunch
cool scarlet slices of watermelon."


A complete list of all books reviewed in RALPH,
arranged by title, including author, subject, and publisher,
plus a listing of all readings, articles and poems
that have appeared since 1994.

of our most notorious reviews
as collected in the hard-copy

Help perpetuate honest, noisy, pesky book reviews.
With your $25 subscription, you get
a free copy of one or more of the titles from
Mho & Mho Works

T H E  F A C T S
Submitting Books
The best way to get books to RALPH for review.
Submitting Reviews
Suggestions for would-be reviewers --- and payment schedule.
RALPH didn't spring full-blown from the brows of the gods:
     We've been around (in different guises) for over thirty years.     
The Fessenden Fund
Describing the good works of RALPH's official godparent
Copyright Notice
The Reginald A. Fessenden Educational Fund, Inc.

Lolita Lark, Editor-In-Chief
Post Office Box 16719
San Diego CA 92176


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