BEAUTIFUL PAGES
Over the years, we've set our
on-line reviews, poems, articles and essays
in as elegant a space possible ---
with appropriate type-face, headers,
photos, and background color.
Here are a dozen or so issues
that our editors believe to be most fetching.

NEW REVIEWS
Discovering Totem Poles
"Some of these figures look
like they just got liberated
from a Looney Tunes cartoon,
and the wonder is that the author
scarcely mentions the Beautiful Nut Factor
erupting from most of them."

The Snow White Christmas Cookie
"'Hey there, girlfriend,'
he exclaimed, grinning at her wolfishly.
'Sure never thought I'd find myself
back in your sleepy little hamlet again.'
'It's not sleepy and
I'm still not your girlfriend.'"

Intimate
An American Family Photo Album
"I take out the mothers,
the horses, the young boys
collecting berries on the hillside,
the land, the buffalo.
I take out the clock and
the camera ... which takes out the future."

The Vacuum Cleaner
A History
"Hoover gets it, every bit,
For it beats, as it sweeps, as it cleans.
It deserves all its fame,
As it backs up every claim,
For it beats, as it sweeps, as it cleans.
Oh, it's Hi, Hi, Hee!
The kinds of dirt are three.
We'll tell the world just what it means,
Bing! Bing! Bing!"

Outlaw Marriages
"In obituary, most were protected
by the leading newspapers of the day.
When Aaron Copeland passed on at ninety,
the Times referred to him as
'a life-long bachelor.'"

Summer Lies
"This one has the
New York literary birds
all a-twitter ---
but for some of us,
it's more like old fried egg."

Black Fridays
"I may down most of
a bottle of cognac every day ---
I've been doing it for forty years ---
but I don't ever get drunk.
I don't like the feeling of
being out of control."

If You Are Lucky, Your Heart Will Break
"Does a dog have the Buddha nature?
What is the sound of the one hand clapping?
Q: What is the most important thing in the world?
A: The head of a dead cat."

Great Reviews of the Past
In the Heart of the Sea
"When the whaleboat carrying them was sighted,
the two of them had hoarded more than
a few bones of their former compadres,
and were reluctant to give them up
even when they knew
they were saved."

LETTERS
The Blues

MORE LETTERS
Hitler's First Photograph

EVEN MORE LETTERS
Cryptic Letters from India ---
and Chicago

ARTICLES
Doin' Hospital Time
"You're in the hospital now.
We make the rules here, you don't.
The orders are that you are going to take this."

READINGS
The FBI Gets Involved
"The conference room door burst open
and in strutted a twenty-something
testosterone jarhead wearing a pair of
aviator shades and a snug-fitting
red ski jacket."

A Zen Story
"She muttered,
'sixteen years I supported that old fraud!'
She grabbed a broom,
stormed down to the hut, and
beat the monk near senseless
before driving him off.
She then ordered the hut
burned to the ground."

POETRY
What I Did Not Tell Anyone
"That I loved nursing.
That I nursed each baby
Whether they were hungry or not.
That they were always hungry.
That milk flowed like tears.
That my blouses were always damp."

A RALPH ANTHOLOGY
The Noisiest Book Review in the Known World
is to be published in early 2013.
It contains 200 or so of what we believe
to be the best poems, articles, readings and reviews
from this magazine from the past eighteen years.
Here you will find all necessary information
on ordering this gorgeous two-volume set.

THE OFFICIAL RALPH
Paradox-of-the-Month

GENERAL INDEX
All the back-issues of RALPH,
including titles of books under review,
along with author, subject, and publisher,
plus links to readings, articles, and poems
that have appeared on-line
since 1994.

A PITHY SAMPLE
of our most notorious reviews
as collected in the hard-copy
"FOLIO"

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