Not To Orgasm
New Mobility magazine is a pleasure to read. It is deliciously irreverent, catering to the trade, a Women's Wear Daily for the Disabled. It will often deal with subjects that the mainstream disabled magazines avoid: drugs, sex, self-image, history, and cant.
Recently, however, we found that they ignored one of the cardinal rules of the trade, and we wrote them, as follows:
I'd like to protest, and protest vigorously, the misuse of a favored word.
It's a word that you have callously squeezed, pushed, and pulled --- forcing it into a disgustingly repulsive stance.
In short, Mr. Editor, you have taken a lovely noun --- and made it into an obscene verb. Viz,
This abortion (if you will pardon the expression) appears at least twice in the October issue of New Mobility.
Since I am only in the habit of counting my own orgasms, not those of others ... there may have been further appearances of this unspeakable variant that I might not be aware of.
According to my faithful Webster's Ninth New Collegiate Dictionary, the proper definition is:
ORGASM \or-gáz-um\ n [fr. Gk orgasmos, fr organ --- to grow ripe, be lustful; akin to the Skt. urga --- sap, strength] (1763) intense or paroxysmal emotional excitement; esp: the climax of sexual excitement typically occuring toward the end of coitus --- orgasmic \or-gaz- mik\ also orgastic\gas-tik\ adj.Outside of the patently sexist, homophobic, and anti-deviant nature of the definition, I suspect that you, Mr. Editor, will not encounter, in any form whatsoever, the letters vb, which stands for "verb." There is also no vi [verb, intransitive], nor vt [verb, transitive].
In the English language, there are times when we are allowed to transform nouns into verbs. For example, we are allowed to transform "a kiss" into "to kiss." We --- Noah Webster and I --- allow that.
We are also allowed to emit "a sigh," or, more simply, we "can but sigh." (As the old song would have it, "a kiss is just a kiss, a sigh is just a sigh.")
For the juveniles in the crowd, there is even the shady possibility of translating "a feel" into the gerundive, "feeling" --- as in "feeling up." Webster and I will reluctantly allow them to get away with, as they would say, vul., "copping" such (and "copping to" such a noun.)
But we're damned if you can transform "an orgasm" into, ugh, "to orgasm." It isn't permitted without a waiver from the Grammar Police --- of which I am Captain.
I'd like to point out to you that degrading the English language with a phrase such as "to orgasm" is felonious, and since I am Captain of the Vice Squad, your sentence is to spend an hour in front of the blackboard, where you must write, clearly, 500 times or more, the sentence,--- R. R. Doister