Vladimir Volfovich Zhirinovsky
The Least Tern
I have just discovered exciting news about Vladimir Volfovich Zhirinovsky. You may remember him from my article about current Russian politics: he is the arch-nationalist who wants to repossess Finland, Poland, and the Baltic states (as a place to store radioactive waste) and to seize back Alaska ("a good place to put the Ukrainians").

It turns out that, like Donald Trump, he is exercised about unwanted immigrants from the south of his country: Zhirinovsky has called for blocking off the north Caucasus with barbed wire. He is also very exercised about migratory birds, and has announced: "We must force the government to stop the bird migration. We must shoot all birds, field all our men and troops... and force migratory birds to stay where they are."

To tell the truth, I am seriously disappointed that none of our American candidates, or our national leaders, have taken on the burning issue of migratory birds. Couldn't you do something about it yourself? You'd better hurry, before the University protest groups, who of course identify with birds, take the issue under their Left-wings and begin incessant campaigns in support of our avian brothers and sisters.

Any day now, we may expect demands that campuses provide special accomodations for oppressed terns and albatrosses; take in marginalized fowl like the northern pintail and the black-tailed godwit; and change the literature curriculum to stop concentrating on dead, white humans and include more about the culture of migration, flyways, nest-building, and egg-laying.

--- Dr. Phage
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