The FBI Joins the Investigation
The conference room door burst open and instrutted a twenty-something testosterone jarhead wearing a pairof aviator shades and a snug-fitting red ski jacket. He whipped offhis shades, then off came the jacket, too. Underneath it he had ona white merino wool turtleneck that was stretched so tight acrosshis pumped-up muscles that Des swore she could make out hisentire six-pack of abs as he stood there styling self-importantly foreveryone's benefit, his granite jaw working on a piece of chewing gum.

"Lord help us, they've stuck us with Maverick again," Yoliegroaned under her breath. "Did we piss somebody off!"

"Possibly in a previous life," Des murmured unhappily.

"You know him!" whispered Toni, who was positively goggle-eyed.

Yolie looked at her, aghast. "Don't tell me you want that," she whispered in response.

"Loo, I swear I've just laid eyes on the father of my children"'

"Trust me, you won't feel that way once it opens its mouth."

Toni continued to gape at him. "Oh it doesn't have to talk."

"Oh, yes it does. And every single word that comes out of its mouth rhymes with 'asshole.'"

"Sorry I'm late, people," he declared in a booming, authoritativevoice. "They closed I-95 because of a jackknifed tractor trailer andI had to make it out here on Route 1. I've never seen so manymuffler shops in my life. Seriously, how do folks out here afford toeat three meals a day if they're always buying so many mufflers?Am I right or am I right?" He went around the table and shookhands. First with Sam Questa. "Grisky, FBI, how are you?" Thenwith Joey Amalfitano. "It's Grisky."

"We've already met, Agent Grisky," The Aardvark pointed out,"We worked the Sour Cherry Lane case last spring."

"Sure, we did." Grisky's eyes said he didn't remember The Aardvark at all.

But he did remember Des. "Hey there, girlfriend"' he exclaimed, grinning at her wolfishly. "Sure never thought I'd find myself back in your sleepy little hamlet again."

"It's not sleepy and I'm still not your girlfriend," Des said. "You remember Yolie Snipes of the Major Crime Squad, don't you?"

"You kidding me! How could I forget a sweetlooking sister like Miss Yolan-da Snipes. How goes it, Sarge?"

"It's lieutenant now," Yolie informed him between gritted teeth.

"Moving on up, hunh? Good for you. And, whoa, look who they gave you for a sergeant --- it's Snooki. Are we on MTV right now! Seriously, am I or am I not standing in the presence of Miss . . . Nicole . . .Polizzi?"

"Actually, my name's Toni Tedone," she simpered breathlessly.This qualified as a major departure for Toni the Tiger. The lasttime someone at the Headmaster's House dared to call her Snookihe got a knee in the cojones.

"Real glad to know you. And, hey, lovin' the patchouli," he said as he made his way to the other end of the conference table.

Toni gaped at him, awestruck. "I'm going to marry that man."

Des and Yolie exchanged a horrified look before Des said, "Toni,there are two very important words you need to know about a man like Grisky."

"What are they?"

"Premature and ejaculation."

Toni frowned at her. "You say that like there's some otherkind."

Grisky parked himself in a chair and said, "I just heard thatthe DEA's jonesing to get in on this, too. That means they'll becrawling up our butts if we don't nail it in the next thirty-sixhours --- which I've assured my boss we will. We have to. I'm flying to Cancún late tomorrow night to hook up with my Quantico buds for a sacred ritual. We spend the week before Christmas downthere every year and I cannot, will not, miss it. So let's hit this out ofthe park and I mean now. So far it looks to me like we've got ourselves quite a little shitstorm. Possible organized drug activity, theft of the U.S. Mail, a dead mailman..."

"Postal carrier," Questa grunted.

Grisky raised his chin at him. "Sorry?"

"They're known as postal carriers, Agent Grisky. I thoughtyou'd like to know since you seem to think you're in charge of myinvestigation. What we've got here is a matter for the U.S. PostalInspectors to deal with."

"Well, that's a big no," Grisky fired back cheerfully. "Otherwise, we wouldn't all be sitting here at this large table with you. We're all working together on this one, Inspector. And we need to share what we know. So how about you put your dick in a box and tell us what you've got, okay?"

--- From The Snow White Christmas Cookie
David Handler
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