Platform for
The California
Governor's Race

L. Milam
J. Gallant

Over the last few years, Sacramento has proved itself to be an intolerable drain on state resources. It will be exchanged for Las Vegas which has proved itself over the years to be financially sounder and certainly more fun.

As a further step toward fiscal responsibility, we will appoint John Ashcroft to be head of the California Budget Department. This will have a dual purpose: it will bring a faith-based approach to California's monetary problems and at the same time will get him out of Washington, D.C., a major relief for everybody concerned.

For the same reasons, we will recruit other members of the Bush team to serve here. Donald Rumsfeld will be appointed as state Poet Laureate. Other officials will be brought in to head the California Avocado, Asparagus, Artichoke, Rice, and Table Grape Commissions: Admiral Poindexter at Avocado, Richard Armitage at Artichoke, Dick Cheney at Asparagus, Condalezee Rice at Rice, Paul Wolfowitz at Watercress. This should lead us to a program of energy independence through vegetables.

All flat, hot, dull cities of California --- Oakland, Anaheim, Burbank, Bakersfield, and San Jose --- will be declared a public nuisance and thus ceded to whomsoever will take them.

To solve California's water problem, Darrell Issa and will be drafted as general of the California National Guard with instructions to annex Oregon and Washington for their water, Alaska for its glaciers, and the Yukon Territory as far as Great Bear Lake for its bears.

Because of the major tactical error made in 1848, we will return southern California to Mexico, at no cost. The new California border will run from Half Moon Bay (one Half Moon for the north, the other for the south), thence eastwards dividing Coalinga, Chowchilla, Dinkey Creek, Stovepipe Wells, Lee Vining, and Scotty's Junction, terminating at Pahrump (Pah to the north, Rump to the south).

At the same time, Pittsburgh, California will be returned to Pennsylvania and Loleta, California will be placed off limits to men over forty.

--- Smog: The California Smog Commission will be empowered to erect plants in large cities to manufacture air. In addition, it will build a series of large fans on the Whipple, Chocolate, and Big Maria Mountains to blow our befouled air into Arizona and Nevada.

--- Puke Politics: The very name may make people think we do not take our electoral processes seriously. Therefore, it will be changed to RALPH POLITICS --- as in "to ralph" because

  1. "Ralph" is more decorous,
  2. It will permit the state to officially commemorate Ralph Waldo Emerson, Ralph Nader, Ralph Kramden, and Ralph Roister-Doister,
  3. RALPH is one of the funniest magazines on the internet.

--- Bilingual Education: To be fair, alternative classes will also be offered in Fulfundi, Igbo, Uzbek, and Tiv.

--- Medical Marijuana: Marijuana will only be permitted to be used after death or dying. This should keep California out of the doghouse with the Justice Department, although one can never be sure.

--- Traffic Congestion: All freeway stoppages and traffic congestion that last more than four hours will be paved over. This will

  • Reduce the number of cars in California,
  • Create 1,000,000 more jobs, and
  • Elevate our highways for better sight-seeing.

--- Fruit and Vegetable Border Checks: The Agricultural Department employees stationed at the borders will be sworn in as part of Homeland Security. This will serve to keep California safe from biologically engineered fruit, vegetables, and animals such as broccoli rabe, the recombinant rutabaga, and any politicians who may wish to clone themselves.


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