R A L P H
The Review of Arts, Literature, Philosophy and the Humanities
Special 100th Issue
A review magazine worth its salt should expect some fairly heated response from its readers.
In the almost ten years of RALPH's existence, we have gotten some dillies.
We include here, in chronological order, twenty-one that have most pleased, distressed, delighted or irritated our editors.
Woodrow Wilson and Charles Wing Krafft
"Did you know that Lord Keynes called WW the Presbyterian Minister and Lloyd George the Welsh Witch?
"I forget what he called Clemenceau."
"YOUR REVIEWER LOLITA LARK IS A CRUEL, STUPID, INSENSITIVE BITCH.
"BESIDES, WHAT KIND OF A NAME IS LOLITA LARK, ANYWAY?"
Sinners Prey for RALPH
"I read youre blasfemes and I wonder. Who do you think you are. Saying bad things about God & Our Lord & Savior. Whered you learn such bad things. You got the Devil in you, and he will eat you alive."
"I would like to register my strongest complaint about the ignorance of your writer. Where did you find such a hard-hearted creep?"
The Firing of Ralph Roister Doister,
More about Lolita Lark,
Sex in Bangcock
"I accuse you of Rape.
"Your magazine, RALPH, has fired R. R. Doister --- a long-time editor --- and replaced him with a certain Lolita Lark."
"I am kind of ashamed to write you because a man like me don't take stock in things like that but my wife told me you were a man and not some dopey woman so I thought I would write to you after reading your answer to Disillusioned."
"I just read your review of The Love You Promised Me. Why don't you just come right out and say that your reviewer is a racist, hates Mexicans, and be done with it?"
"I don't find Laura at all endearing ... nor do I find your lack of perspective regarding her hatred towards gays (disguised as free speech), very endearing, either."
The NPR Program "Marketplace"
"Why don't you find people who will be fair, won't show off their big words, and will actually read the books they are reviewing. We do, sir, live in a capitalistic economy.
"If you don't like it, you can always emigrate to Cuba. Try Radio Havana for a few months."
The Zen of Oz
"Your reviewer panned the book, claiming that the book does not succeed as satire or humor. That is because the book is not meant to be a satire. I thought you should know."
W. H. Merwin
"It's heartening to know, to be reminded, of readers paying that kind of attention, caring, and saying so."
"Most of his rabid misinformation about dogs could be more aptly applied to the anklebiters of his own species."
Dancing Alone in Mexico
"What kind of idiots do you have writing book reviews? In her report on my book, Ms L.A. Bloom admits she's slipping into senility. I think she's already there."
Jorie Graham's Swarm
"It became clear to me that the reviewer was far more interested in her own cleverness and ability to dash off a few zingers than in forming a thoughtful, careful, and mature opinion of the poetry."
"What is with this Anglican font, you bloodless Brits? If you want to creep me out, mission almost accomplished."
Cradle of Valor
"Do you know something? Your evaluation of Cradle of Valor is pure crap, pure and simple crap!"
"It surely seems a little strange that A. W. Allworthy casts down poetry that alludes to Homer with a question that might be better asked of the critic: Who (s)he?"
"The poem you mention in The New Yorker seems to offend you so intensely. Delightful. Although aren't your remarks somewhat of a cheap shot, considering I have in the past year and a half published in that magazine much longer and to my mind much better poems."
The Campus Crusade for Christ
"For a minor branch of CCC to show assets of over three-and-a-half-million dollars and gifts of over seven million dollars in a single year shows a prosperity that we here in our small service organization can only dream of."
Poetry Magazine's $100,000,000
"We here at RALPH are delighted at your windfall, and wish you the best of luck as you disperse this largess in a fashion that will not force the poetasters of America into acts of terrorism. We would like to help."
The Other RALPH
"We recall that old saw --- we don't care what you say about us, just be sure you spell our name right. But what do you do when a beer-in-the-cooler girls-in-bikinis magazine snitches your moniker."